How do you become an actual sexual being?

[AnonymBruker]

I'm telling this story so that when you answer, you'll understand that it's slightly more complicated for me then to just dress nice and start using tinder, some dating sites or simply go out and get drunk and hope someone gets equally drunk, I can't really drink in the first place, that is one of many limitations. 

I've never been good with girls, I can be their friend, although that only happend to a couple of them, once I got much older but I have no clue what comes after that. I've had some shit happen, but one experience does stick out and is hard to forget. I was the first in my age group who could buy alcohol at 18 but after years of being bullied since I started school they knew I'd never buy it for them, so they got the girl I had a crush on to hit on me. The bullying had made me painfully shy with a eating disorder, depression and guilt over my sui***dal thoughts because I wanted to be gone without hurting my parents. I knew that she had to know about them I just didn't know she was friends with them. But also at 18 your just happy any girl will talk to you so my usual radar I had developed didn't go off. We literally talked for like an hour straight, and she was good to, I actually thought she was interested in what I had to say cause she listened and gave me actual answers and told me some of her own stories, none of it felt forced. She then gave me my first kiss and after a few minutes, broke it off and showed me a text that some of her friends where looking for a party. She asked if I was interested in helping her out throw a good party because her parents where at their cabin, and she played me like a fiddle, every touch, or the way she would playfully sway back and forth in my personal space and facial expression was pitch perfect. As someone who had to learn to read people from a young age, I in retrospect cannot believe that I fell for it, but I wasn't just inexperienced, I barley understood the concept of a cute girl kissing me. And to give myself some credit women are harder to read, yes they have a lot of the same overt universal signs but the chemicals they are able to make us men feel especially for the first time can be disorienting when you know nothing. Luckily I was pretty broke at the time so I didn't end up paying anything, but my first clue should have been when she had alot of cash in various states that she gave me to pay for it. We went home to her, set everything up even ended up making out a bit on the couch, then a bunch of her girl friends came over and 10 minutes later 4 out of 6 main bullies came in the door. The literally just came in, grabbed my neck and arms and threw me out while laughing at the thought that a girl like her would like a fat fuck like me, they just wanted to party and they couldn't get someone else to buy the booze for another 2 weeks.

She at the very least does seem to have some shame over it, I've literally seen her walk out of a store with a cart full of groceries when I come in and look at her. I don't act threatening, I just the first time I saw her a few weeks later walking past me, I didn't yell it out or anything I just calmly, although my voice did break cause i did want to cry, asked "why? why go through all that?". And still a decade later won't open her mouth on the rare occasions I have seen her and we randomly do our shopping at the same time she will either rush to finish up whatever she is doing or straight up leave, walking in the opposite direction etc. I wish I could say things have gotten better, and to some extent it has, I don't have to worry about who is going to punch me anymore. But as a hospital kid who constantly have had to go back even after I became an "adult", life didn't really get better. I'm pretty much a grown man now, but have the life skills of a teenager cause I wasn't able to go out in the world like the rest. I do not even know how to pull my life together without needing constant medical care, I don't use my illness as an excuse to not do something. I did once, but I felt horrible afterwards and promised myself to never do it again and I've kept it. It's just not much I can do when I'm just healthy enough to not need around the clock care, I've been able to learn how to scrape by, doing the bare minimum so that I can survive but don't really have the strength to do much else.

What does this have to do with becoming a sexual being? Well I've now actually recently admitted to my therapist that I'm not Asexual as I have been claiming for over a decade. If I wasn't going to be getting any positive feedback from women I simply denied that I wanted anything to do with them in the first place. I didn't start treating women badly, I was just such a good liar that I convinced myself that I was Asexual, kinda like someone who is gay pretending to be straight going so far as to getting married and having kids because the truth hurt, although in my case it's the reverse where I've had nothing because that was my sexual identity for so long. But being alone for mye entire life is starting to hurt too, and frankly I'm going to be shocked if I reach 50, I just want someone to be with someone, knowing something good came into my life before I finally get to rest. I just have no idea where to start.

Anonymkode: 56d84...aeb

[ajarRun]

Start lifting!