A letter to my dead girlfriend

[AnonymBruker]

Hello Sweetheart,

So it is my birthday today, it has been just over a month since your passing, and here I am again sending emails to the black hole that your email account has become. I know you will never read this, but I need to do this as this is the only way to get things out. I don't even know why I'm explaining this o_O

So as I said, it has been about a month now, and I think I've gotten through most of the stages of grief. It's been doubly hard though, because the only thing your parents will tell me is that they won't tell me anything. I eventually got some info from your local medical examiner, which was good, because I was still in disbelief about your passing. They told me which funeral home had picked you up, who in turn informed me that you had been cremated and that your parents had picked up your ashes without any arrangements made for a funeral service or a grave. Now that last bit really stings, because I had hoped I'd be able to visit your grave for a last goodbye some time in the future.

I don't know what the deal is with your parents. They seem to be quiet talkative with your neighbors. I called your friend across the street. He had talked to them, end he could confirm that you ended it all just like you always said you would. "Wendy O. Williamsing it". Perhaps it is the brutality of how you did it that has made your parents decide to sweep you under the rug. Or perhaps you left a note telling them to? I really wish you had left me some words. Anything really. Just a simple good bye would have done the trick. It is hard to find some closure the situation being what it is.

I think I have come to accept our loss. Last night, right as I was about to fall asleep, it was is I felt your presence. It was as if you were right there next to me in bed, your face inches away from mine. You didn't speak, but it kind of felt like you were there for a last goodbye. It reminded me of the time we spent together last summer. I was so in love with you when you came to visit, and I'd lay awake after you'd fall asleep, just listening to you breath and experiencing the warmth of your presence. I felt that again last night, and it was both sweet and painful at the same time. At least it left me with a little peace of mind.

So now what? What am I supposed to do now Baby? You have no idea how lost and alone I feel right now. I keep thinking that you were the love of my life. That usually sounds like a cliche, I know. I once had a friend, and every time she met a new guy she claimed he was the love of her life. But the truth of the matter is that I never before loved anyone the way I loved you. I had begun to think that that kind of love was really just a myth. But it's not. Will I ever get to feel that way again? I don't know. It feels kind of like this was a once in a lifetime thing. Our relationship felt like a sanctuary island. A safe place place for two lonely transgender souls in a hostile world. I once was found, but now I'm lost.

I was so angry at you last week. You abandoned me. You inflicted upon me a kind of pain that I have never felt before. As it turns out, the term 'suicide survivor' isn't just histrionics after all. In some fucked up way it feels like I'm more of a victim than you. Certainly you were very sick, and you were in tremendous pain all last year. I'm glad at least glad that is over for you, but your actions have hurt and damaged me more than anything else before. I want to scream at you and slap some sense into you. I love you so much Baby, but you just make me so angry when I think about this. You were supposed to be my wife, not my dead ex fiance. You were suppose to be my salvation, not destruction

I don't know if I'll write you again or not. Maybe I will, but eventually I'll probably stop. I'm thinking about traveling to the US and visit your home, the last place I saw you alive just a week and a half before the end. I think I need to make that trip. As there was no funeral and no grave, I want to have some kind of ceremony for us/you. Perhaps go out there on the prairie where you let me shoot your AR-15. Perhaps I'll send off a Chinese lantern like we used to do all the time, or perhaps make some kind of memorial. I don't know. But I have to do something.

I feel so tired Baby. Like I just can't go on no more. But I will, because I think things can get better again. I will never be the same after this, but I will make it. After my experience in bed last night it feels like it is okay for me to attempt to start moving forward again. I've kind of taken the experience as a sign from you that you are okay now, and that it is okay for me to move on. But that's all poetry of course, because you are dead and gone forever, and you don't even know who I am anymore. But I will always love you, and the brief time we had together before you got sick was truly the highlight of my life. I remember thinking I would spend the rest of my life with you, till death do us apart. It is weird thing for that to come true and still be alive and relatively young.

Be good Baby, I love you and I miss you.

Love, M

 

 

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[AnonymBruker]

 

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