"Hei, vil du ta en kaffe?"

[AnonymBruker]

Jeg prøvde å skrive et innlegg som forklarer hvorfor mange kvinner kan opptre skeptisk til spørsmål om date, kaffe, selskap eller lignende av en fremmed eller en hun ikke kjenner så godt.

Det klarte jeg ikke, men jeg fant en post på tumblr som formulerte det greit:

"Men who want to flirt with women have to realize: Women live in a state of continual vigilance about sexual safety. It’s like having a mild case of hay fever that never goes away. It’s not debilitating. You’re not weak. You’re not afraid. You just suck it up and get on with your life. It’s nothing that’s going to stop you from making discoveries, or climbing mountains, or falling in love. Sometimes you can almost forget about it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, subtly sucking your energy. You learn to avoid situations that make it worse and seek out conditions that make it better.

If a female stranger is wary around you, it is not because she suspects you are a rapist, or that all men are rapists. It’s because a general level of circumspection is what vigilance requires. Don’t take it personally.

If this frustrates you, try to remember that women are blamed for lapsed vigilance. If a woman does get raped, everyone rushes to see where she let her guard down. Was she drinking? Was she alone? Was she wearing a short skirt? Did she go to a strange man’s room for coffee at 4am?

A woman must be seen to be vigilant as well as be vigilant. If she is deemed insufficiently vigilant, she will be at least partly blamed for any sexual violence that befalls her. If she’s regarded as downright reckless, that “evidence” can be used to completely exonerate her rapist. If it comes down to a he said/she said dispute over whether sex was consensual, as so many rape cases do, the dispute becomes a referendum on whether the woman seems like the sort of reckless person who would have sex with a stranger.

If a woman does go back to a strange man’s hotel room at 4am, even if she only wants a coffee and conversation, she’s more or less given him the power to rape her. No jury is going to believe she went up there for anything but sex. So, don’t be surprised if a stranger reacts badly to that suggestion."

For det handler ikke om at vi tror alle menn er voldtektsmenn, slemme eller ute etter å ta oss. Det handler ikke om at vi tror DU er en slem person. Det handler om hvilke forhåndsregler vi er nødt til å ta, for å ikke godkjenne eventuelle overgrep - sett fra øynene til så mange, inkludert rettssystemet. De fleste menn er skikkelige folk, og det vet vi. Men menn er også kvinners første fiende, og i manges øyne er det å være med en mann, uansett på hvilke vilkår, det samme som å gjøre seg fortjent til et overgrep.

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