Chili

[Pedro]

A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without

laughing then there's no hope for you.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that

spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

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Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - Holy *hit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

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Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

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Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 - A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting *hit-faced from

all of the beer.

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

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Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb barmaid is

starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is

chilli an aphr0disiac?

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

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Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I broke wind and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

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Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I $hit myself when I £arted and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my

as* with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

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Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably. Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,

the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my shirt is covered

with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth and my pants are full

of lava like *hit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too

painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,

I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli

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Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fa*ted, passed

out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted

to really hot chilli.