Madammens vitseforum

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Iraqui TV guide

MONDAY

8:00 Husseinfeld

8:30 Mad About Everything

9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY

8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things

9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY

8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

9:00 Just Shoot Me

9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY

8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi

8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY

8:00 Judge Saddam

8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

9:00 Achmed's Creek

9:30 No-witness News

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Low IQ Stories...

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive

and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing

and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a

credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

[Gjest Madam Felle]

I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself

and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not

turn on!

[Gjest Madam Felle]

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say

all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried again, and

the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone

else to read if by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could

open and read it."

[Gjest Madam Felle]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you

need some help?" I asked. She replied "I knew I should have replaced

the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a

battery for this?" "Hmmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I

asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the

car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I

replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check out the batteries.

It's a long walk."

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Person: "It says, 'Hit enter when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well???"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he

was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing

paper. What do I do?" "Just use copy machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last piece of blank typing paper, put it

on the copy machine and proceeded to make five blank copies.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

One of our servers crashed. I was watching out new system administrator

trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name

to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking

me "Where's the key on the keyboard for that line thing?" I asked what

he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like

an upside down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"

He said, "Yeah that's it!"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed

into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair

and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I

asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set

the cruise control, then went back to make himself a sandwich.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Mental Health Service

If you ring the Mental Health Service, you will be answered by their enhanced automatic switchboard as follows:

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent. please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities. please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696996969696.

If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Attention Deficit Disoder with Hyperactivity, please press all the buttons and then wander away leaving the phone off the hook.

If you have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, please shout "I WON'T" loudly several times before hanging up.

If you have short -term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short -term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short -term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short -term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Learn the corporate laws (3 lessons)

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw

the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day

long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below

the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the

rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting very, very high...

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him

enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a

fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.Soon he

was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep

you there.

Lesson Number Three:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain

said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and

functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get it to

where it wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and

earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until

finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the

asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up

and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet

twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion

was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and

passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Punctuation is everything!

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is

nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it

correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: A woman: without her, man is nothing."

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Problem Solving

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep

mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of

control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it

against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They

all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise

unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee,

have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a

solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never

worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the

brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all

push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[Gjest Madam Felle]

One wish

A man was walking along a California beach

and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped

a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You Released

me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the

fourth time this month and I'm getting a little

sick of these wishes so you can forget about

three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and

said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm

scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you

build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over

there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible.

Think of the logistics of that! How would the

supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!

No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really

good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced

four times. My wives always said that I don't

care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I

could understand women.... know how they feel

inside and what they're thinking when they give

me the silent treatment....know why they're

crying, know what they really want when they

say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly

happy...."

The genie thought and then said, "You want

that bridge two lanes or four?"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Penis talk

The wives of four presidents and prime ministers are talking

together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman,

because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot,

because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the

back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because

it goes down after the act.

Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor,

because it goes from mouth to mouth.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Points to consider...

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape...

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and

anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a

day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be

caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank

robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every

other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the

locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is

suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best

friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent

image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over

it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid

of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say

because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is

attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You

know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a

psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have

to kill you too.'

Future historians will be able to study at:

the Gerald Ford Library

the James Carter Library

the Ronald Reagan Library

and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Lost chapter in Genesis....

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so

God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it

would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,

and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear

your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the

night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was

wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and

passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied,

"An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history....

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Q: What do you call a truck loaded with vibrators?

A: Toys for twats.

Q: What is a Yankee?

A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do women and condoms have in common?

A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?

A: Odor eaters

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotopuss

Q: Why do men name their penis?

A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Q : What do you get when you cross a devil-worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?

A : Someone who goes from door to door and tells people to go to hell

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Gul eller brun?

Kelneren: - Skal De ha gul eller brun ost på rundstykkene?

Gjesten: - Spiller ingen rolle, Jeg er fargeblind.