Madammens vitseforum

[Gjest Madam Felle]

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man

named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his

wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened

to the flea?"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their

mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting

here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son

ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea

gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died, and went to Heaven" the dad replied. The boy thought a moment

and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up,

I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor

replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest

preachers we've ever had."

[Gjest Madam Felle]

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned

to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the

blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say

what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head

and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Cautious dying man

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how

little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying

man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the

devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought

to piss off anybody."

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Bashful newlyweds

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,

doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when

he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the

bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing

his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared,

and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what

we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Children about marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

ALAN, age 10:

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,

she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and

dip coming.

KIRSTEN, age 10:

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God

decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

CAMILLE, age 10:

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

FREDDIE, age 6:

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

EDDIE, age 6:

Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.

DERRICK, age 8:

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

LON, age 8:

Both don't want no more kids.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

LYNNETTE, age 8:

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each

other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

MARTIN, age 10:

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them

interested enough to go for a second date.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

CRAIG, age 9:

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

WHEN IS IT O.K. TO KISS SOMEONE?

PAM, age 7:

When they're rich.

CURT, age 7:

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

HOWARD, age 8:

The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

THEODORE, age 8:

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to

have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

ANITA, age 9:

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to

clean up after them.

KIRSTEN, age 10:

Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no

diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have

her come over for some coffee and diaper changing.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

KELVIN, age 8:

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

ROBERTA, age 7:

You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE MARRIAGE WORK?

LORI, age 8:

If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes,

especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.

:o

RICKY, age 10:

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Getting screwed

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told

him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and

a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an

initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing

happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Displeased hotel guest

HE MANAGER,

Y.M.C.A. HOTEL,

LONDON.

Dear Signore directore.

Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella. I am a-comma

from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your

hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep

with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella: "I wanta

shit." They tella me: "Go to toilet." I say "No, no, I wanna shit in my

bed." They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch."

What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and eggs and two

pisses of toast but I gotta only one piss off toast. I point at toast and

tella waitress: "I wanta piss." She tella me: "Go to toilet." I say: "No,

no, I wanna piss on my plate." She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not

piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch." This is second person who do not

even know me calling me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go

to toilet"? Is that a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me.

Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out but no

fock. I tella waitress: "I wanna fock." And she tella me: "Sure everyone

wanna fock." I tella her: "No, no, I wanna fock on the table." She tella me:

"So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!"

How comma christian hotel tella the guest in such bad manner?

So I go down to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotella

no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier said to me: "Thank you,

and piss on you." I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back

to Italy."

Directore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch!

Sincerely

Dicci Elgre,

Roma, Italy

[Gjest Madam Felle]

Engineers - Defined!

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where

did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was

walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman

rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her

clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded

approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is

half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with

these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor

chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The

pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with

him." [dramatic pause] "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of

us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we

always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I

think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said,

"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my

ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things

mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he

happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding

a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of

their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone

else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they

called on the retired engineer who had

solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly

took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end

of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of

the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was

replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a

bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an

itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One

chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the

engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible

designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.

Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical

engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical

connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who

else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, "it doesn't have enough features yet."

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers-TakeEight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was

better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he

enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring

relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his

mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The

engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a

wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the

other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and

said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent

over, picked up the frog and put it in

his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me

back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The

engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to

the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back

into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the

engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do

anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm

an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now THAT'S cool."