Hvordan snakke med ukjente damer

[Gjest Gjest_Kåre_*]

Her er noen råd om å komme i prat med ukjente damer som jeg synes var ganske bra. Det er et spørsmål fra en gutt og så svaret fra en sjekkecoach.

Two quick questions that i've encountered in the field:

1. When using a compliment/direct interest opener, how do you

follow up the conversation and get it started? Most of the time

Whenever I do it it's kind of like: Ex:

Me: Hey I saw you standing over here and I have to say I really

like your style, it's really fun and crazy.

Her: Oh thanks. (smiles)

Me: (awkward pause) Ummmm...So where are you from?

Then things start to go slower, she looses interest and

eventually one of us bails. Any suggestions on handling this

sort of scenario. I really like more direct stuff and want to

get better.

---> CHRISTIAN SAYS:

AJ, after speaking with you and now reading this, I'm getting a

feel for a consistent vibe that I think you're putting off,

especially doing direct:

1.) you're not confident enough to pull off the strong direct

opener

2.) you're expecting her to pick up a lot of conversational

slack far too soon

But its cool, we can deal with both of these issues. We're

going to split this up into two parts:

1.) Delivery Confidence

a.) nonverbals

b.) word choice

2.) Post-Delivery

a.) justifying the opener

b.) your energy

c.) the "non-transitionables"

DELIVERY CONFIDENCE - NOVERBALS

The key here is as follows: Your intent and your nonverbals

must be as direct as your words.

I use direct stuff like this all the time, because it gets right

to the point. But it takes a strong man to pull it off. Look her

in the eye. Say it with a sexual intent. Show her you take her

seriously

So when you're walking up to her, you make direct, intimate eye

contact (review the Vibe Mastery piece "Getting the Look").

The look and vibe you're emanating is very direct - no BS, very

strong. But also warm. You're very much *in control* of

yourself and the interaction. She knows that you're not there

to mess around and that you see her as a woman, not a girl.

DELIVERY CONFIDENCE - WORD CHOICE

Based on the conversations that you and I have had (and what I

know about a lot of other guys I've worked with), direct is

tough because you feel like you're giving up control to a

woman - taking a risk, putting it all on the line. With the

proper nonverbals and delivery, this couldn't be further from

the truth. Direct gives you almost complete control, because

you've stated your interest, and if she accepts your interest as

legitimate, she's essentially agreed to continue talking to you

on your terms.

So now let's look at your word choice: "I really like your

style, it's really crazy and fun."

Not bad - you're justifying your interest in something about

her. But it is still very noncomittal, and pretty vague.

You're not giving yourself a lot of control with such

generalities. How about something else?

"I love your style. You've got a great look - you must be very

creative."

"I have to say - the way you've put your outfit together is so

creative. I love your sense of style."

"Your style really stands out amongst everyone here, and I had

to get to know the person behind such a great outfit."

POST-DELIVERY - JUSTIFYING THE OPENER

Now let's talk about the transition out of that opener, assuming

she accepts it and says something like "oh, thanks." In your

example, you're jumping right into "interview questions" about

where she's from, maybe what she does, etc... The problem here

is that you've thrown away whatever credibility your opener gave

you to talk to her, because you've not followed up on the

attribute on which you're complimenting her. So let's run

through a sample here that presents a better alternative:

YOU: "Hi there, I saw you from across the room and I have to say

- the way you've put your outfit together is so creative. I love

your sense of style."

HER: "Oh, thanks..."

YOU: "Are you in the fashion business, or did your eye just

develop naturally?"

HER: "I guess it just kinda developed on its own."

YOU: "That's awesome, you definitely stand out in here. What's

your name?"

HER: "I'm Danielle"

YOU: "Hey Danielle, I'm AJ. Really cool to meet you."

All of a sudden things are much warmer. Your opener has been

justified by your interest in the follow-up questions and is

congruent. Now you can move along to other topics like you hear

us all do on Master the Vibe.

POST-DELIVERY - YOUR ENERGY

Ok AJ, having spoken with you, I can see where this part of

your example comes from:

"(awkward pause) Ummmm...So where are you from?"

You're a high energy guy. But in your head, you've just dumped

a lot of control onto the girl, and now you're backing off and

hoping that she's going to take up the slack. But let's reverse

the situation (and if this hasn't happened to you yet, get a

better haircut and some cool outfits). A girl comes up to you

out of the blue and says she likes your style. How would you

respond? Would you just start chatting about something with

her? Or would you be a little surprised, and need a second to

compose yourself?

Very few girls hear a real, genuine complement delivered in a

way that makes them believe it. When they do, it takes them

aback. So be prepared to transition into something else right

away. There should be no pauses, no akward silences. You

shouldn't be expecting her to pick up on the energy just yet.

Its kind of like you've just popped someone with a taser, and

you've got to carry that person along for a second while you

wait for them to regain consciousness (note: please DO NOT use

tasers on women you're talking to. This is illegal).

Keep giving energy to the interaction. If she accepted your

complement, keep flowing with a positive energy until she catches

up to you.

POST-DELIVERY - THE "NON-TRANSITIONABLES"

Thus far we've been using your opener on her style. This is

something she has developed and cultivated, so it is easy to

compliment her on it. And you can transition into questions of

how it developed, or mini cold-reads, like "you must be

creative." But what about when you're complimenting her on her

looks or some trait that she was born with? These are rare -

even a nice smile can be followed upon with a question about

whether she had braces. But in general, anything about her

overall look, beauty or energy falls into the category of what I

call "non-transitionable" direct openers.

"Hi, I just had to come over and say hello. You have an

incredible look - like a soft beauty - its very unique."

"Excuse me - the way you move through this room - you have this

energy that is so attractive."

"I have to tell you - you're one of the most beautiful women

I've ever shared airspace with."

These are intense and you better say them with some confidence.

But where do you go afterwards? Well, you have a few options.

You can use the line popularized by Style - "But one thing I've

learned is that beauty is common. Its more important what's on

the inside. Wouldn't you agree?" I don't remember exactly how

it goes, but its not great right after such a strong opener.

You've already put her on the spot, and now you're qualifying

her. Not likely to make her feel exactly comfy and cozy with

you.

You can go right into your transition. The only problem is that

it doesn't allow for enough space for your complement to sink

in:

- "Wanna dance? (at the club)

- "So are you mailing classified documents to china, or are

those homemade brownies for your kid brother?" (at the post

office)

- "What brings you out tonight?" (at a bar)

But the best option here is to introduce yourself, then go into

your transition. It lets her warm up to you more, and for your

opener to sink in, before transitioning.

"Hey I gotta tell you - I wasn't even planning on being out

tonight but I'm happy I came - you dance incredibly and it has

made my night to see you just now."

"Wow, uhhh... thanks!"

"What's your name?"

"I'm XXXXXXXX"

"Cool, I'm Christian. Are you with a promoter tonight, have a

table, here with friends...?"