Dexter's love letters to Esposa

[Dexter Madvig]

Page 269.

Time: 08:55-09:01 AM.

She had assumed a watchful stance at the bus station, alert as a gazelle in the African desert. Slender, wearing a brown coat, serious. Observing. I was sitting in the frontmost seat on the left hand-side of the bus. Honestly, I thought I had gotten over her, but my heart stopped the second I spotted her, before it started beating again, at a faster pace. She bloody made me nervous. I always wanted to tell her that, but never did because I was not sure if she was controlling my heart rhythm, or if I liked it.

Luckily, she entered the rear door of the bus, I was not up for small talk anyways. I am generally not one for small talk. The politeness. To be honest, excessive politeness is a weakness in my eyes. The only problem is that I am so polite myself, yet I do not feel weak. One of my issues I believe.

Anyways, did she see me? Normally I sit on the right-hand side of the bus, also in the very front, behind the see-through wall. The seat on the right-hand side was occupied this morning, it must have been faith. The wall between me and the bus driver could work like camouflage. Would she come up to me? If she saw me, I do not have a basis for guessing whether or not she would come to the front now that the neighbouring seat had become available.

What would I say? I was planning on saying “como é que tu vais”. This not the standard phrase for saying “How are you” in Brazilian Portuguese, which is “Como você está”. My intended catchphrase is a variant of Portuguese from Portugal, making use of the personal pronoun and the associated conjugation for “tu” instead of “você”. The intention was to show off my Portuguese I suppose. Brag about my excellent knowledge of Portuguese grammar. She would not know this conjugation, even after living in Brazil for one whole year and having had a Brazilian boyfriend as well. Hey. What is this? I am trying to put her down. I changed my mind; I do now want to be this kind of person. I put the Portuguese lingo aside.

My plan was to disembark through the rear door after having waited a little, such as for her to advance to a safe distance. Again, I realised I put too much energy into this. Do I really want this arduous life, putting all this energy into avoiding her? The bus stopped and I started preening. Steadily dragging the fingertips through my hair like trout fighting the current in a stream. The mane, my pride. A mane denotes the long hair at the neck of an animal, such as that of the lion.

I followed my normal routine of disembarking through the front door heading for the east entrance. She went for the main entrance, and at 9:01 AM we passed each other alongside the bus. She uttered a surprised “Hei”, with a rising intonation, after which I returned the same but less surprised “Hei” followed along with a dash of a smile. Two percent of a smile. It was an awkward place to stop, from which I relieved us by heading on.

I felt a boost of energy. My heart raced, and I still do not know if I hate or love this feeling that she gives me.

 

[Dexter Madvig]

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