Apparently There Are Some Things One Should Not Say Or Do...

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers