My girlfriend said I"ve got the biggest cock she"d ever seen,That"s one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.

I keep hearing about all these Muslim teenagers being brainwashed. Well, at least that"s one part of their body that won"t smell.

Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese because they keep walking into things....like McDonalds

What do you call a Scouser in a university? Caretaker

There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool, that the window cleaner goes round with a fucking sander.

I went to a restaurant and ordered "soup of the day" for starters.The waiter brought the soup.Five minutes later, I called the waiter and said, "I can"t eat this!"The waiter said, "Sir, our chef has cooked the same soup, to the same recipe for the last 12 years and nobody has ever complained until now, why can"t you eat it?"I said, "because you didn"t bring me a spoon, you daft twat!"

I went into a record shop and asked, "do you have anything by the Doors?"The assistant said, "yes, a fire extinguisher and a bucket of sand."

What do you say to a Pakistani on Christmas day ? A pint of milk and a loaf please!!

My mate rang me and asked if I fancied going out to see The Killers last night.Turned out to be the McCanns doing another press conference.

Did you hear about the pikey who won the lottery?Apparently they"re going to pay him with Travellers Cheques...

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.

I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

> Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!"

>

> Mick says "Did you see who did it?"

>

> Paddy says "No, but I got the registration number!!"

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Mike, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Mike clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"He replied, "It was an ID ten T error".I didn't want to appear stupid, but had to ask, "What's that..just in case I need to fix it again".Mike grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?""No" I replied, getting rather annoyed."Write it down" he said "....you'll figure it out".

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Mike, the little bastard.