Understanding myself through The Big Bang Theory

[AnonymBruker]

I thought the first two season of The big bang theory where fun and just harmless, cause I definitely know some geeks with no social antennas what so ever. And while I'm not great at conversation beyond my comfort zone, I at least know that there is a time and a place for everything. I actually have a filter from the brain to what comes out of my mouth.

So it started to bother me when I felt every geeky guest they have on also conform to the shows idea of how childish a geek should be. And also having two of the main cast seeming to have some bizarre ideas of what they consider acceptable behavior, especially towards women they find sexually attractive.

Yes of course as a man when you see a woman you find beautiful, it can be near impossible to not imagine what it would be like to be with her. But I don't ever think that I can start something, and I'm probably too stand offish considering my first kiss happened when after hours of talking the girl got frustrated that I didn't make any real moves against her. Actually thinking I was teasing her until I told her that I was Untouched and just thought she was one of those friendly touchy girls even when she was in my lap. I didn't think she wanted to kiss be before I got a tounge in my mouth, and even then I couldn't imagine that it would go so far as it did. I remained a virgin but I don't regret not having sex eventhough it probably could have. I was so happy kissing in the hammock, and she grabbing my hands and telling me to get her off, that I felt like I was drunk. Didn't help that it was the horniest moment of my life, although I managed to surpise myself by not blowing my load right away. If she had applied lots of pressure and really worked it then that would have been another story, but she knew how to make it pleasurable and not give me blueballs at the same time. 

Essentially my therapist says that I think too much about not hurting others in anyway, and will put up with more and need clearer signals then most regular guys, cause I don't want people to feel powerless or scared around me for any reason. The feeling of dread I had thinking growing up "will be lucky today and only get attacked psychologically and not getting beaten". I don't want anyone to ever have to feel that feeling, I'm a grown man now but I still have a problem with confrontation cause I have this Darkness inside me that I have limited control over. And while a confrontation as an adult don't usually end in a fight I feel like I enter a familiar Arena, but having been there and lost so many times, the stress caused by similar feeling events send my mind back to when the threat levels where higher. Which is why I don't like that the show often do their own spin of the bullying they often talk about having received. They should know better cause they know how shitty it feels, 

 

So I'm at the hospital right now, just watched a video on the big bang theory and I will admit, they got me on some grade A medication and I just feel a need to get this out for some reason, sorry if you feel this has wasted your time.

Anonymkode: e0a1c...0fe